{ 25.6.01 }

I'm tired, uninspired, a bit crabby, in the midst of cramps, want to see "Tomb Raider" again, and feeling that mini lite-Mars-bars just aren't enough to beat the blues.

I think I'll just say that updates may not be forthcoming for about a month. Don't expect anything... I've been a bit creatively blah-ish for a while. My computer's too slow for me to do anything of worth in any graphics program (I know, I know - boo-fricking-hoo, cry me a river), I haven't felt like writing much (though I love scrawling in my notebook and having something kept only to myself and those closest to me), and I'm just... blah. I haven't even been keeping up with my favourite personal sites, my obsession with Big Brother has waned a little, and I just want to crawl into a hole and eat chocolate or something.

I thought I'd sort of post an explanation of why I've stayed away here for a while, though I'm not entirely convinced that anyone cares, hence the half-assed nature of said explanation...

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{ 15.6.01 }

How could I have not posted this..?

I HAVE MY VISA NOW...! Yes, the visa I have been whining over and mentioning for so long is finally in my possesion, and I am, despite other reports, very enthusiastic and happy about this. I'm just a bit overtired and quite overwhelmed - we've been waiting for this for so long, that actually having it sort of amounts to, "Oh." But it's becoming more and more real to me that it's my passage home, that once the tickets are booked and my possessions are bundled up and I've called my chosen airline and arranged to bring extra luggage, that I'll be going home. Home. Where my heart is.

In other news, I think that while I was in Sydney I had a Jeb sighting. Probably not, but the guy just looked a lot like him, minus goatee. Hey Jeb - if you were anywhere in the CBD and thought you were being stared at by a girl in a red (Tomato Nation!) t-shirt, consuming a felafel-minus-the-felafel, then it was me. If you weren't out anywhere, then you should be concerned that you have a doppelganger somewhere in your own city.

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{ 9.6.01 }

Bit of a stream-of-consciousness journal entry up, and I even found a moment or two to say something of no consequence at the log yesterday.

The other day my mother bought me a cute Harry Potter t-shirt - it's navy blue with yellow sleeves and features the Gryffindor house crest with four illustrations of Harry zipping about on his broom. It's a boys size 14, so I was most amazed to find that it actually fit! It fits snugly, like a cute 'tiny tee' for girls/women, and actually looks alright on my, shall we say, somewhat buxom frame. I'll post a picture of the logo a little later tonight, when I can be bothered forraging around my image directories... it's too adorable not to share.

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{ 3.6.01 }

Oh, my god. Look, I'm just about ready to call this site "The Bi-Polar Life of Me" - if it's not a heartbreaking low it's a dizzying high. But I'm not complaining this time, nor am I spreading my endless angst from beginning to end of post. My life is starting to look a bit like a train-wreck-rollercoaster - can't decide which it is, really.

Anyhow, today there was news - good news. After my first night on the couch (rather uncomfortable, but my littlest kitty - Little - curled up next to me while I slept, which made me happy), I didn't really know what the day would bring. I hoped against hope that there'd be a letter in the mailbox telling me that I'd have an interview at the consulate so I could get my visa. I checked on the way out for my morning walk with the dog - nothing in there. When I came back, I didn't bother because I'd seen the mailman and he was only a block away from any kind of delivery. When finally I saw the postie pull up on his motorbike and deposit all manner of envelopey goodness into the mail slot I went out, with a heavy heart. I've been anticipating the arrival of that letter for weeks and I'm always in two minds when I do the mail check: half is staring through gloriously rose-coloured glasses and the other is busy in a dark corner writing melancholy poetry and telling me not to bother getting my hopes up.

So, I picked up the mail, and flicked through each item. A postcard from some eating establishment. A phonebill (for me - eek). Some other bill for my parents. And there it was, with "The United States of America - Official Business" in the top left corner of the envelope. I allowed myself a little happy scream as I barrelled through the front door, tossing the rest of the mail in my mother's lap and telling her the good news. I called Nathan right away and told his mother the good news almost as soon as she picked up the phone, and when she passed the receiver along to him I may have possibly caused permanent aural damage with my excited little squeal.

Now the rest of the planning begins - I've already begun packing things up, now we have to work out flight details and whether I can take more than two suitcases and where we're going to live and get established after I come back. I know that the interview date isn't the be-all-and-end-all - but we're doing things with optimism and hope. I might be home by the middle of July! It's very exciting and certainly a change from the bleak outlook I've had for the last two days (oh, and every other day...)

Hey, you. How're you doing? Has the rollercoaster tipped you out yet?

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Correction. My room was all cleaned out by 7pm this evening (Sunday) - Baron von Fuckhead (who, incidentally, told me that I have "no right to call [him] "dad" " - more like he has no right to ever refer to himself as a parent ever again) - ordered me to get everything out of there today. I did it in just under two hours, so, it's all done. It's couch city for me tonight.

I'm drained and tired. Don't know if I'll update for a little while.

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It's all been a bit topsy-turvy around here lately, in my life and this collection of text-scraps here. I'm not feeling polished or interesting, and I so guess it's been reflected in my words... I just want to feel less scattered and more normal. TV, food, cooking, whining about work/lack-thereof - it's all normal. It's sane and centred and everyday.

Can I confide for a moment? I know there's only one or two of you, so it's almost like I'm whispering this in your ear. I might take a little break from all this half-assed-journal-log-writing business... but then, I might not. I don't really know a lot of what I'm saying. My life is in this really strange place, right now. I'm under pressure, even if it doesn't sound like it - "Why, you couldn't be stressed or under pressure, you spend all your time watching TV and cooking." I know it sounds all easy-peasy for me. Just kicking back, waiting for my visa. Well, it's not all good... waiting for that visa is making me want to chew off my own arm in frustration. (For want of a better expression...) It's close to being a year since I was with Nathan. It is hell being restricted to text and voice when you just want to hug someone and be silent.

I have to pack all my stuff up into boxes and bags and start mailing it to him in preparation for being able to come back. As of Monday I'll most likely be sleeping on the couch so my father can take over my bedroom because of the "marital upheaval" my parents are going through (read: divorce, and if you're to believe anything he says, it's totally my fault. Of course it is.).

I'm tired. I don't know that I have the will or the words to go on, anymore.

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