{ 27.7.01 }

I'm back in the States...! How weird. It's just odd, I keep walking around thinking, "When did this happen? Am I really here or is this some kind of strange dream?"

When I figure it out, I'll get back to you.

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{ 16.7.01 }

I've discovered something a little disturbing. I'm starting to realise that purely by virtue of my gender that when I stand up for myself or my friends, that when I state my opinion, or in some cases, when I'm just going along trying to live my life the best I can, that I start attracting all sorts of labels. Bitch. Whore. Cunt.

What is it about angry, negativity-filled men that makes them so afraid of women that they have to put them down like this?

I have to be honest and I have to say that it upsets me. It gets under my skin. It affects me. Fine - fine, angry men of the world. And fine to you too, dad. You win, you all win. Is that what you want? To know that you've gotten to a girl who already cries at night when she thinks about how little she's worth?

Why is it that I can't just go along being me? I'm fine with who I am. I'm not proud of the fact that I need my parents' financial support for the time being, and that I can't pay them back, but otherwise, I know I do the best I can and try to contribute in non-financial ways. It hasn't be as much lately - the more my father insists that I don't do anything, the less I feel like helping him out. I'm sick of him telling me I'm a pointless waste of space and time, that I'm a loser and a moron and an idiot. I'm SICK OF IT! I'm sick of how he wishes to my face that I would die, I'm sick of how he tells my mother that she's worthless, I'm sick of how he insists that my sister is his only daughter and that my upcoming marriage is a non-event to him, that "not to put too fine a point on it, but it doesn't mean anything, it doesn't matter". And you know, I'm sick of being told to kill myself. You don't tell someone with an already fragile mental state to kill themselves. You don't. You just don't!

I'm upset, I really am. I just felt like telling the world, telling all and sundry from the sensitive to the kinds of people who think that making cruel and nasty "fun" of innocent parties is their idea of a great time. If you're a parent, please think about what you say to your child. I know that most of you are probably very good parents, and I can't really see why an abusive parent would happen to come across the personal site of some babbling girl, but if you've ever found yourself calling your own offspring a worthless piece of shit, or telling them that they're a failure, or if you've ever kicked or punched or "merely" just threatened them, if you've ever done things to your child that you know are very, very wrong: please get help. For yourself, for your kids, for the good of the whole damn world.

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{ 7.7.01 }

I said, "don't expect anything", which didn't mean, "I'm on hiatus."

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